Insecurity

This post's a long one.

Some days we just wake up insecure. We feel like our bodies aren't built right or we beat ourselves up for how we treat them. We feel inadequate and constantly compare our bodies to airbrushed versions of women who barely eat, workout upon tens of hours a day and are paid to look a certain way, given the most expensive trainers, food, clothes etc. I also sometimes compare myself to my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends, who were models, pageant winners and video girls. And he constantly tells me that those girls had the wrapping but not the actual present inside them. They were "gassed up" constantly demanding certain things because they truly believed they deserved those things based on the way they looked. I'm not like that. I had a truly awkward period wiht bushy hair, braces, psoriases on 70% of my body, chubbiness and hairness all in one person. I had to develop a personality to make up for those "vices" as I saw them, although now looking back at those pictures I see an adorable little pakistani girl. I think men like me because I have a sexiness to me but I also am goofy, cute and not afraid to laugh at myself. I have one of the silliest AND most vulgar senses of humor. I am both a combination of femininity and feminist indignation. I think I'm pretty intelligent though not the brightest crayon of the bunch by any measure. I work hard and I do everything with the passion I feel to the depths of my core. My friends have said I am the friendliest person they know and I talk to complete strangers like I've known them for years. But often I forget who I am and view the word through the lens fo that cute but deeply insecure chubby girl. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17, and didn't think I was pretty until that point. I was the girl dancing by myself in the corner at middle school dances. I was the one the cute boys laughed at. There was this boy who used to bully me. Of course the whole thing was ironic when on Prom, he came up to me and asked me if I remembered him and then proceeded to hit on me. But nevertheless, I sometimes forget all my good qualities and look at myself as the world saw me at that point in my life.

today was one of those days. I woke up and got on the scale and saw maybe a 1lb gain that for some reason plunged me into guilt over the way I looked. And when I get insecure, I start thinking of women who are prettier than me and better looking than me. And I dwell on my flaws. And those are the moments I need to sit down and journal> which is why I am blogging now. This is more for me than for anyone else. And I'm sorry if it consists of a lot of rambling.

I grew up with two parents who are SOO IN LOVE WITH EACHOTHER and still sneak off to do "hanky panky" all the time. And I've never seen them exchange gifts with eachother. Because they taught me that the true meat of a relationship, the true sustainability on a relationship does not come from the fluffy declarations of love or grand gestures of passion, but rather the continuing trust in one's partner and the belief that one will do everything possible to make sure the relationship can move forward. My dad and mom love eachother unconditionally and they had a long distance marriage for 5 years, with my mom living in pakistan and my dad in the US for my growing up years, 6-11. They kept things spicy to be sure, but they taught me that valentines day, anniversaries and birthdays mean little in the grand scheme of things. And looks should not be in the top 10 list of things you love about your partner, or the things that make your relationship work. Sure looks attract you to the person, and youth is something that socieety places SO MUCH emphasis on these days, but you should love your partner because they are a part of you and you a part of them after X number of years of being together.

And there are days I forget that. And I think for some reason that I don't deserve my boyfriend or even the best versions of myself because I look a certain way. And I get jealous of the things I remember my boyfriend telling me he did for his last girlfriends. Along with being a molecular biology major with aspirations of becoming a patent lawyer, he's an artist and he has written quite a few poems or given artistic gestures of love. And he's told me time and time again, that those things were wasted on those women who didn't have the same beauty in my soul that I do. He says that he wishes I was his first girlfriend and that we were eachothers' firsts and lasts. And I nkow him to be honest and true. And I trust him completely. I know I could send him into a room full of naked women and he'd be thinking of me. And it's funny. When he sees beautiful women, he tells me how so and so has my eyes, or my hips or my waists. For him, I am the beautiful woman I have never seen myself to be previously.

When I get down on myself like this, you know what I do. It sounds silly and crazy. but I take off all myclothes. I take off my makeup. I strip myself down to the God-given body I was blessed with. And I look at myself. Truly look at myself and enjoy what I see. I almost look at myself the way I would look at paintings of naked women. I force myself to see it for what it is. Beautiful. Capable. Willing to do anything for me. Healthy. But most importantly IT IS MINE. that's the important thing to realize. I will never have hips or thighs as small as Jennifer ANistons. I will always be extraordinarily curvy. My hair will always be dark brown and my eyes will always match my hair color. I will always have thick dark eyebrows. And a straight nose. And a round face. And my hips and breasts will always be big. But that's the beauty. I am a customized human being. God didn't just pick some generic model and change up the colors of the features. I was designed with a specificity in mind. And I am the compilation of the past and present. I am my grandmother's cheeks, my aunts face shape, my mother's eyes and my father's skin color. I am a visible record of my family's existence on this earth. And I am proof of me. I am a visible version of the soul that lies within. I know this is getting abstract, but I am trying to say that the things I see as imperfections are the experiences, emotions, feelings and passions of the soul known as kud that burns with passion, within.

So I feel much better now. And I'm going to workout. And I'm going to spend some time wiht my family. And I'm going to watch Lost. And I'm going to talk to my boyfriend and make him feel as loved as he makes me feel. And I'm going to love myself. And go to sleep, thanking my body for being MY body.

Here are some of my favorite lyrics from an India Arie song called Video:

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine