The War between Me, Myself and I

I am in a reciprocal body war where my body has jacked me up to weights I haven't seen in a month or so and I am sabotaging myself by binging. It's like a "screw you" attitude that clearly will not work in either my body or my favor. I am treating us as two separate units because my body's not cooperating. That's wrong in and of itself. We're one unit but I'm treating us as two. I need to show some self-love and move past this.

I realized some things about this week: My body and I are both shit-scared of being at 159lbs. Why? The pressure gets put on to keep going. And its' a number that I on some subconscious level think I cannot maintain. When I know the opposite is true: I like being in the 150s. But last summer the same thing happened: I hit 159 for a DAY and then my body started creeping up in the opposite direction. Well IT WILL NOT HAPPEN TODAY. I am declaring it to the world. This will NOT happen. This canNOT happen. The number I saw today: 163.8lbs. Why? Because I over-indulged in cookies yesterday. That will not happen. If i want a cookie, I damn well will have a cookie but just one. There is no "screw today" mentality. There is the only "nourish my mind, body, and soul" mentality. I cannot do what I did last summer and self-sabotage until I'm at 170lbs again. I need to get past this hurdle that is 159lbs. I need to be securely wrapped in the blanket of the 150s.

I even have started developing Food phobia. This whole idea that I cannot trust myself around food. That should NOT be happening. I will eat fruits but balk at the idea of salads? I need to allow myself to indulge in good healthy foods. I need to be ok with the entity that is my temple. But I also need to make an effort to pick veggies over breads and fruits over cookies. I do not want to calorie count. I want to trust my body's natural cues. But I even have been ignoring those. I have been stuffing myself and feeling disgusting as a result.

This war ends today. Right now. I am communicating with you. I am sending a plea to my body: Please work with me. Help me overcome this anxiety. Help me genuinely move past these hurdles and confront myself in an honest but gentle manner. Allow me to make small mistakes, not small mistakes that turn into big problems. Help me move into the 150s.

This is wha I used to look like when I was at my heaviest and most vulnerable; and this is how I see myself sometimes and do not understand when people call me attractive or beautiful or when good-looking guys show interest in me: (and this is without the braces or glasses)


I do not want to go back there again. I need to take control of my eating. I will post my food journal for the day:
B: smoothie: 1 cup vanilla soymilk, 1/2 banana, 5-8 strawberries, 1 cup blueberries.