I'm feeling more in control and more mindful about what I'm putting into my body> plus I'm not feeling so overwhelmed about where life is going and how I'm going to deal with these bumps in the road.
I've adopted a "fake it, til' you make it" attitude in regards to so many things in my life. in terms of weight loss, I'm faking being a skinny person who doesn't have food issues in the hopes that it'll turn into a reality. In terms of studying/jobs, I'll fake being the smart, put-together pre-medical student who is ambitious,driven and self-assured until I get all the way to becoming a doctor. I am not as self-confident or self-assured as I look and this fake it attitude will definitely help me get there. In terms of relationship I try to be so secure, honest, trusting and self-assured. Most of my doubts in a relationship relate to me: am i pretty enough, will he love me enough, do i interest him enough---I know on a concious level that I am pretty enough, he does love me and I do interest him but on a subconcious level related to that fat girl in the last couple posts I showed, I believe I'm not good enough or worth it. So I try to fake being these things and within that act, grows a reality that I am those things.
So I'll post pictures of my boyfriend's trip when I get home but for now, this is my update.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
A new week to start
So I weighed in yesterday to see a 4lb gain. That's when I put the scale away. I had in one week derailed so many of my newly aquired healthy lifestyle behaviors; let me explain. I started body-checking (every time I passed a mirror, I would life up my shirt and examine my belly). I would weigh myself 2-3 or even 4x a day to see how my weight fluctuated. I started developing food-phobia where I didn't trust myself to make the right decision and so I would choose the wrong foods just as self-sabotaging behavior. I also began to question my own beauty based on the weight of the day. So I put the scale away. And I spent half an hour naked yesterday just trying to show some body love. And I ate what I wanted yesterday keeping an eye on veggies/portions/fruits. And I feel 1000000x better.
My duty to my body and to myself is to get my body to where it needs to be without being bogged down by some of these UNhealthy behaviors. And so I will not half-ass it this week. I won't make up excuses or use my emotional mental state instead of hunger cues to make food judgements. I won't doubt my own ability to eat well---I've done it before. I'll incorporate some walks (which I actuallY DID do this week) and I'll stop doing silly things like body-checking. Here's to a new week and a refreshing start.
My duty to my body and to myself is to get my body to where it needs to be without being bogged down by some of these UNhealthy behaviors. And so I will not half-ass it this week. I won't make up excuses or use my emotional mental state instead of hunger cues to make food judgements. I won't doubt my own ability to eat well---I've done it before. I'll incorporate some walks (which I actuallY DID do this week) and I'll stop doing silly things like body-checking. Here's to a new week and a refreshing start.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The War between Me, Myself and I
I am in a reciprocal body war where my body has jacked me up to weights I haven't seen in a month or so and I am sabotaging myself by binging. It's like a "screw you" attitude that clearly will not work in either my body or my favor. I am treating us as two separate units because my body's not cooperating. That's wrong in and of itself. We're one unit but I'm treating us as two. I need to show some self-love and move past this.
I realized some things about this week: My body and I are both shit-scared of being at 159lbs. Why? The pressure gets put on to keep going. And its' a number that I on some subconscious level think I cannot maintain. When I know the opposite is true: I like being in the 150s. But last summer the same thing happened: I hit 159 for a DAY and then my body started creeping up in the opposite direction. Well IT WILL NOT HAPPEN TODAY. I am declaring it to the world. This will NOT happen. This canNOT happen. The number I saw today: 163.8lbs. Why? Because I over-indulged in cookies yesterday. That will not happen. If i want a cookie, I damn well will have a cookie but just one. There is no "screw today" mentality. There is the only "nourish my mind, body, and soul" mentality. I cannot do what I did last summer and self-sabotage until I'm at 170lbs again. I need to get past this hurdle that is 159lbs. I need to be securely wrapped in the blanket of the 150s.
I even have started developing Food phobia. This whole idea that I cannot trust myself around food. That should NOT be happening. I will eat fruits but balk at the idea of salads? I need to allow myself to indulge in good healthy foods. I need to be ok with the entity that is my temple. But I also need to make an effort to pick veggies over breads and fruits over cookies. I do not want to calorie count. I want to trust my body's natural cues. But I even have been ignoring those. I have been stuffing myself and feeling disgusting as a result.
This war ends today. Right now. I am communicating with you. I am sending a plea to my body: Please work with me. Help me overcome this anxiety. Help me genuinely move past these hurdles and confront myself in an honest but gentle manner. Allow me to make small mistakes, not small mistakes that turn into big problems. Help me move into the 150s.
This is wha I used to look like when I was at my heaviest and most vulnerable; and this is how I see myself sometimes and do not understand when people call me attractive or beautiful or when good-looking guys show interest in me: (and this is without the braces or glasses)
I do not want to go back there again. I need to take control of my eating. I will post my food journal for the day:
B: smoothie: 1 cup vanilla soymilk, 1/2 banana, 5-8 strawberries, 1 cup blueberries.
I realized some things about this week: My body and I are both shit-scared of being at 159lbs. Why? The pressure gets put on to keep going. And its' a number that I on some subconscious level think I cannot maintain. When I know the opposite is true: I like being in the 150s. But last summer the same thing happened: I hit 159 for a DAY and then my body started creeping up in the opposite direction. Well IT WILL NOT HAPPEN TODAY. I am declaring it to the world. This will NOT happen. This canNOT happen. The number I saw today: 163.8lbs. Why? Because I over-indulged in cookies yesterday. That will not happen. If i want a cookie, I damn well will have a cookie but just one. There is no "screw today" mentality. There is the only "nourish my mind, body, and soul" mentality. I cannot do what I did last summer and self-sabotage until I'm at 170lbs again. I need to get past this hurdle that is 159lbs. I need to be securely wrapped in the blanket of the 150s.
I even have started developing Food phobia. This whole idea that I cannot trust myself around food. That should NOT be happening. I will eat fruits but balk at the idea of salads? I need to allow myself to indulge in good healthy foods. I need to be ok with the entity that is my temple. But I also need to make an effort to pick veggies over breads and fruits over cookies. I do not want to calorie count. I want to trust my body's natural cues. But I even have been ignoring those. I have been stuffing myself and feeling disgusting as a result.
This war ends today. Right now. I am communicating with you. I am sending a plea to my body: Please work with me. Help me overcome this anxiety. Help me genuinely move past these hurdles and confront myself in an honest but gentle manner. Allow me to make small mistakes, not small mistakes that turn into big problems. Help me move into the 150s.
This is wha I used to look like when I was at my heaviest and most vulnerable; and this is how I see myself sometimes and do not understand when people call me attractive or beautiful or when good-looking guys show interest in me: (and this is without the braces or glasses)
I do not want to go back there again. I need to take control of my eating. I will post my food journal for the day:
B: smoothie: 1 cup vanilla soymilk, 1/2 banana, 5-8 strawberries, 1 cup blueberries.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Weight Updates
Sunday's Weight: 159.4
Monday's Weight: 162.6
Tuesday's Weight: 164lbs
Wednesday's Weight: 162.8lbs
So hopefully within the next week or so I'll be back to below 159lbs. It looks like my body is holding on for its dear life to the 160s and I have to slowly move it down with healthy eating/exercise.
Monday's Weight: 162.6
Tuesday's Weight: 164lbs
Wednesday's Weight: 162.8lbs
So hopefully within the next week or so I'll be back to below 159lbs. It looks like my body is holding on for its dear life to the 160s and I have to slowly move it down with healthy eating/exercise.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Down Down Down
So after I wrote my post on Sunday, my morale came crashing down. I ended up binging yesterday majorly, and gained "5 pounds". These are in quotations because I clearly did NOT gain 5lbs, as that would be pretty impossible and impressive within the span of 2 days. I want to move past the binge (and have done really well today in that regard) but I do want to list reasons why I think that binge happened and what I can do in the future to prevent it:
1. I self-sabotage: I tend to have certain body points at which I freak out and believe I don't deserve to be at that particularly weight/this weight challenges my inner view about how I should look (the whole I am a fat girl mentality kicks in) and I tend to eat and eat and eat until my body reaches that weight again. I am MUCH more cognizant of this fact than I ever was before and I am trying to move past these set points. 159 is a scary number in some regards because it is a new decade and a new BMI classification. I recognize these feelings and am trying to move past them. Hopefullly when I see 159 the next time I'll be careful not to self-sabotage
2. I just got off an emotional high: After my boyfriend left on sunday I just felt somewhat dejected and sad. I mean here i had had 6 days of so much fun, love, nourishment and contentment and getting off of that train was a hard pill to swallow. So I swallowed other things...and a lot of other things. and then some more things. And here I am-->post-food binge, post-emotional binge. Now it's time to learn how to cope with those feelings without the aid of food.
3. Work is hard. And long hours plus little sleep makes kuddy a tired tired girl who craves sugar. And that's what I indulged in.
4. I want summer. My name Kudret means nature in Urdu (the language of Pakistan) and I feel a certain connectedness in nature and summer specifically that mediates my moods. Well when it's cold, I'm cranky and when it's sunny I feel soooo happy! Because we're in between seasons, the weather is sunny/cold/sunny/cold which is exhausting my emotions.
Now excuses are over. The binge has been over for 24 hours now and here's how my day went:
I came home early from work because my mom (my ride) was jetlagged and needed to go home and so I had to go home too. I then proceeded to sleep 3 or 4 hours (side-effects of the binge?) and woke up much more refrshed and contented. I just came back from an hour long walk (4 miles) and am about to hop into the shower. I have work at the GAP tonight from 6-10 and then I"ll go to sleep happy. I normally restrict my eating after a binge but I've been trying to eat intuitively and haven't done anything out of the ordinary> Just trying to get the extra fruits/veggies/water to flush out the salt and give a better glow to my skin. I feel 1000000x better because I have analyzed it, diagnosed the causes and dealt with the symptoms. We'll see what my weight is officially on friday but hopefully these type of cleanse was needed by my body. Now off to shower, then work. Then I"ll stop by all of your blogs :D
1. I self-sabotage: I tend to have certain body points at which I freak out and believe I don't deserve to be at that particularly weight/this weight challenges my inner view about how I should look (the whole I am a fat girl mentality kicks in) and I tend to eat and eat and eat until my body reaches that weight again. I am MUCH more cognizant of this fact than I ever was before and I am trying to move past these set points. 159 is a scary number in some regards because it is a new decade and a new BMI classification. I recognize these feelings and am trying to move past them. Hopefullly when I see 159 the next time I'll be careful not to self-sabotage
2. I just got off an emotional high: After my boyfriend left on sunday I just felt somewhat dejected and sad. I mean here i had had 6 days of so much fun, love, nourishment and contentment and getting off of that train was a hard pill to swallow. So I swallowed other things...and a lot of other things. and then some more things. And here I am-->post-food binge, post-emotional binge. Now it's time to learn how to cope with those feelings without the aid of food.
3. Work is hard. And long hours plus little sleep makes kuddy a tired tired girl who craves sugar. And that's what I indulged in.
4. I want summer. My name Kudret means nature in Urdu (the language of Pakistan) and I feel a certain connectedness in nature and summer specifically that mediates my moods. Well when it's cold, I'm cranky and when it's sunny I feel soooo happy! Because we're in between seasons, the weather is sunny/cold/sunny/cold which is exhausting my emotions.
Now excuses are over. The binge has been over for 24 hours now and here's how my day went:
I came home early from work because my mom (my ride) was jetlagged and needed to go home and so I had to go home too. I then proceeded to sleep 3 or 4 hours (side-effects of the binge?) and woke up much more refrshed and contented. I just came back from an hour long walk (4 miles) and am about to hop into the shower. I have work at the GAP tonight from 6-10 and then I"ll go to sleep happy. I normally restrict my eating after a binge but I've been trying to eat intuitively and haven't done anything out of the ordinary> Just trying to get the extra fruits/veggies/water to flush out the salt and give a better glow to my skin. I feel 1000000x better because I have analyzed it, diagnosed the causes and dealt with the symptoms. We'll see what my weight is officially on friday but hopefully these type of cleanse was needed by my body. Now off to shower, then work. Then I"ll stop by all of your blogs :D
Sunday, March 15, 2009
10 lbs!!! One of the best weeks ever.
So this has been an epic and amazing week in terms of my general contentment and all the pieces in my life falling into a pretty seamless puzzle. I mean things are still as hectic and uncertain as ever, but my dad and my brothers love my boyfriend. And I had an amazingly fantastic week just enjoying my boyfriend and how much my friends/family respect him as a person. My man and I spent time in Rhode Island and all around MA. I just am so happy to be his and him to be mine. I'll post pictures when he sends me them (since my mom had my camera) and you'll see some good times we had. In the mean time, here is a weight related update:
I weighed in today at 159.4lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even try that hard; by that I mean that I ate intuitively and tried to cover the main food groups each day. But I still went out to eat and had dessert. I didn't focus on food too much nor hate on my body. For the most part, my beautiful body did for me what I needed it to do and I tried to treat it well as well. My boyfriend made me feel absolutely gorgeous and I truly felt comfortable in my skin.
I promised that I would post progress pics when I reached this bench mark (-10lbs!), as well as measurement stats...So without further ado:
The pictures:
before: 1/9/09 after: 1/15/2009
(click to enlarge)
I definitely do see a subtle difference in the bodies, with my newer body being leaner and more toned. I do not see HUGE differences, because I think my midriff is always relatively lean but the body looks more vertical if that makes more sense: like toned and defined and less "hanging out". I took a couple more pictures so that you guys see what my body is like now:
So there you have it in terms of pictures. you get almost a 360 degree view of what I look like stripped down to my bra and shorts (hehe).
Here are the changes in measurement as well:
1/9/09 3/15/09
waist 28.5 waist:27.75
bust: 39.5 bust: 36.5
under bust 32.5 underbust: 30.5
stomach 33 stomach: 30.25
hips 38 hips: 37
butt 41 butt: 40
r. thigh 25 rthigh:24.5
l thigh 24.75 lthigh: 24.25
So I definitely have lost inches all around and I am proud of my body for adapting so naturally. I've lost about 10lbs in around 2 months and I'm so proud of that achievement. I am ALL FOR slow slow weight loss and just want my body to settle in a happy range where I can do what I'm doing now. I'm blessed with a relatively fast metabolism and true love of food, so I can't complain. I have my boyfriend for tonight and tomorrow he leaves. I then wait for a couple months before i get to see him on his birthday in May. It's a long time but I feel so good about us, that I'm not too worried. I love the weather outside and am happy that spring is finally settling down. I hope everyone is having the same success that I have and I promise to just be in and relish this moment!! Hugs.
I weighed in today at 159.4lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even try that hard; by that I mean that I ate intuitively and tried to cover the main food groups each day. But I still went out to eat and had dessert. I didn't focus on food too much nor hate on my body. For the most part, my beautiful body did for me what I needed it to do and I tried to treat it well as well. My boyfriend made me feel absolutely gorgeous and I truly felt comfortable in my skin.
I promised that I would post progress pics when I reached this bench mark (-10lbs!), as well as measurement stats...So without further ado:
The pictures:
before: 1/9/09 after: 1/15/2009
(click to enlarge)
I definitely do see a subtle difference in the bodies, with my newer body being leaner and more toned. I do not see HUGE differences, because I think my midriff is always relatively lean but the body looks more vertical if that makes more sense: like toned and defined and less "hanging out". I took a couple more pictures so that you guys see what my body is like now:
So there you have it in terms of pictures. you get almost a 360 degree view of what I look like stripped down to my bra and shorts (hehe).
Here are the changes in measurement as well:
1/9/09 3/15/09
waist 28.5 waist:27.75
bust: 39.5 bust: 36.5
under bust 32.5 underbust: 30.5
stomach 33 stomach: 30.25
hips 38 hips: 37
butt 41 butt: 40
r. thigh 25 rthigh:24.5
l thigh 24.75 lthigh: 24.25
So I definitely have lost inches all around and I am proud of my body for adapting so naturally. I've lost about 10lbs in around 2 months and I'm so proud of that achievement. I am ALL FOR slow slow weight loss and just want my body to settle in a happy range where I can do what I'm doing now. I'm blessed with a relatively fast metabolism and true love of food, so I can't complain. I have my boyfriend for tonight and tomorrow he leaves. I then wait for a couple months before i get to see him on his birthday in May. It's a long time but I feel so good about us, that I'm not too worried. I love the weather outside and am happy that spring is finally settling down. I hope everyone is having the same success that I have and I promise to just be in and relish this moment!! Hugs.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
He's COMING!!!
Thanks for all the compliments ladies! You really do know how to make a girl feel beautiful :D
THE BOYFRIEND IS COMING IN 1.5 HOURS. Can you tell I'm excited?!?! hahaha. I'm sooo psyched. It's been 3 months too long and I need a dose of him. I love him and have missed him so much. This week is both parts stressful and exciting because my guy is meeting all the other guys in my life (dad, brothers, cousins etc.). So I anticipate some awkwardness, but hopefully just goodness in general. We're planning on meeting friends, chilling out and doing lots of restaurant-ing~ So in all honesty, weight wise I don't anticipate any big loss or small loss. I'll take the status quo. I'm between 160.8 and 161.5 and I'm pretty happy in this range for now. I feel beautiful and healthy and feel like I can indulge a little bit while staying in this range. In terms of long term goals I would like to be around 10lbs down from where I am now. I'll be able to maintain that weight and still retain the general curviness that is me.
I took off the next three days off from all my work jobs to just spend time with him exclusively. Of course by exclusively I mean with my brothers and friends. But it's still perfect for me. I just can't wait to touch him in person. I'm excited for cuddling and holding hands and skin to skin contact. Can you tell how excited I am by all the gushing I'm doing?! God I'm making myself gag :D
haha. So that's the update. I'm doing well eating wise and just staying active in my day-to day lifestyle. The weather is SLOOOOWLY getting warmer to around the 40s an 50s. I can't wait for spring to kick in with full force. It snowed yesterday and that was no fun. I'm ready to breakup with winter and have a full fledged affair with spring. I would even consider cheating on spring with summer :D I'm a summer baby and thrive in all things associated with hot weather. I love humidity too. I'm a weirdo like that. And rain is my favorite weather in the summer. When I was born it was raining and it's rained for the past 5 or 6 birthdays so I truly feel like rain in my little present. Haha. Chessy much? I think I should stop writing before I make myself throwup. Haha. But I can't help it. Love is in the air and so is spring. Hope everyone can feel as happy as I do at this moment! :D
THE BOYFRIEND IS COMING IN 1.5 HOURS. Can you tell I'm excited?!?! hahaha. I'm sooo psyched. It's been 3 months too long and I need a dose of him. I love him and have missed him so much. This week is both parts stressful and exciting because my guy is meeting all the other guys in my life (dad, brothers, cousins etc.). So I anticipate some awkwardness, but hopefully just goodness in general. We're planning on meeting friends, chilling out and doing lots of restaurant-ing~ So in all honesty, weight wise I don't anticipate any big loss or small loss. I'll take the status quo. I'm between 160.8 and 161.5 and I'm pretty happy in this range for now. I feel beautiful and healthy and feel like I can indulge a little bit while staying in this range. In terms of long term goals I would like to be around 10lbs down from where I am now. I'll be able to maintain that weight and still retain the general curviness that is me.
I took off the next three days off from all my work jobs to just spend time with him exclusively. Of course by exclusively I mean with my brothers and friends. But it's still perfect for me. I just can't wait to touch him in person. I'm excited for cuddling and holding hands and skin to skin contact. Can you tell how excited I am by all the gushing I'm doing?! God I'm making myself gag :D
haha. So that's the update. I'm doing well eating wise and just staying active in my day-to day lifestyle. The weather is SLOOOOWLY getting warmer to around the 40s an 50s. I can't wait for spring to kick in with full force. It snowed yesterday and that was no fun. I'm ready to breakup with winter and have a full fledged affair with spring. I would even consider cheating on spring with summer :D I'm a summer baby and thrive in all things associated with hot weather. I love humidity too. I'm a weirdo like that. And rain is my favorite weather in the summer. When I was born it was raining and it's rained for the past 5 or 6 birthdays so I truly feel like rain in my little present. Haha. Chessy much? I think I should stop writing before I make myself throwup. Haha. But I can't help it. Love is in the air and so is spring. Hope everyone can feel as happy as I do at this moment! :D
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