I'm still alive. Sorry for taking such a big writing hiatus

So I put this picture up to start my post because I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED that my man is going to be right next to me in a week. Next tuesday on the 10th, I will be picking him up at the airport. He'll be mine in the flesh for five glorious days. I just cannot articulate how anxious I am for this week to go by. The thing is that we've been apart for only 3 months. But during these three months, he's had to deal with the grief of losing both his grandparents and being the rock for his grieving mother. On top of that, he's been dealing with the economy and how that's impacting his financing of college. And it's been tough for our relationship, partly because I have to be his rock and I've never done that before. We've been going out for around 9 months but it feels like longer. It's the most adult relationship I've had and the most fulfilling. I need to stop writing or I'll vomit reading my own gushing ;D haha This picture was taken last year, during the summer...

Ok onto the present: I got a snow day today!! We got 15+ inches of snow and it was crazy to be driving in this weather. My cousin tried to drive to work in the morning and his car got stuck. It took lots of shoveling and a snow blower to be able to move his car. Of course he did end of going to work, but that's because he's crazy....After all, he is related to ME. *laughter ensues*. So I took a sick day on friday (being sick--more on that next paragraph) and had a snow day today. I did work saturday and sunday at the gap for 7 or 8 hours each day, but I got two days completely off which hasn't happened in a while. I spent the day in my pajamas, and felt super relaxed and happy. I saw the movie The Producers with Nathan Lane and Mathew Broderick which I'd never seen before. It was super funny and my father and I enjoyed it immensely. So tomorrow is back to work, but this week will be MUCH better than the last due to the past days taken off and the future impending arrival of my beloved.

In other health news:
1. I have an Afghanistan sized pimple on my chin and the urge to eat ALL DAY LONG....what could this signify. THINK. where have you felt these emotions before....when does your usually clear face become a topographic map of the middle east?? Oh right...AROUND YOUR PERIOD. So all hands on deck. Or rather all tampons: Make yourself available and all white pants...remove yourself from my sight.
2. I am not as sick anymore. i think "Me, only Better" had it right--I was pushing myself too hard. And I need to take more days to rest. Everyone is telling me this. I just am somewhat of a workaholic: once I get into the scheme of things, I thrive on the adrenaline rush of too much work. I need to scale back. Plus I didn't get a flu shot this year. And considering I spend ALL day long taking care of babies-children who are suffering from the flu, I am highly susceptible. So I got my exposure, and hopefully can move forward from the disease.

Now on my new eating way: It's going super well. I am eating soooo many veggies and fruits. I feel healthy and nourished and my general health (besides the obvious virus) has improved. I am no longer counting calories. I am seeing numbers that are in the 160.X range. So if my official weight is around 160, I'll be taking new measurements and posting progress photos. I haven't been this low since June and it's rocking my world. :D
So there's the update for now. I'll try to be less of a ghost in the blogging world....Lots of love, hugs and kissies.

Quick WI Post

I have a sore throat and slept most of yesterday with a virus and low grade fever.
So I weighed in today:
161.8lbs. Which is -0.6lbs. I'll take anything that's not a gain. I worked today and work tomorrow a full full day. So I'll post something more in detail tomorrow. Just thought to update my weigh-in info. Will check in in the morning!

Patterns and Exhaustion

Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog guys!! It really meant a lot to me and having all those people take the time to just weigh in (pun intended :D ) was really gratifying.

So here's what's going on in my life: I'm exhausted. I haven't really had a day off since...like two weeks ago. I work two jobs and there hasn't been a day when I haven't been working one, the other or both. Which is fine in general: emotionally I'm super happy and grateful to have this situation in this current economic state. There have been a couple things that have been coming out of this exhaustion. Last night I feel asleep around 6 or 7pm. And to top that off, I had a hard time getting out of bed at 7:45am this morning! I was still tired and sleepy and just plain ol' exhausted. The other thing is that for the past couple nights I have been fighting the urge to binge. Now the binge urge happens a couple times in my life for non-emotional reasons. One is when I'm really tired, or sleepy or sleep-deprived. That's when I want to eat and eat and eat to stay awake and I guess up my sugar levels. The other time is when I'm hormonally imbalanced. So I know I'm exhausted and that's accounting for one of the urges. The other could be that I am hormonally imbalanced since I stopped birth control this month and that is manifesting itself in this urge. Now I'm happy enough to say that I haven't binged the way I used to. But I have eaten extra snacks at night that probably put me over my food stuff by around 500 calories. I've probably been eating between 2000 and 2500 calories these past couple of days. And so I might have to stringently calorie count or something to make sure that I can reign it back in...So not fun! But necessary.

In other news: I have a pattern with my weight loss. Or at least it's what's happened for the past couple weeks. Here's the deal-io: The day after my weigh in, I'll see a 1lb loss, which is out of the blue. It normally is like a "preview" for the following week's weigh in. So that day I eat really well. The next day (a Sunday), my weight will climb up for NO reason to a higher weight than the Friday weigh in. That day I'll get frustrated and eat a little more than I should. The next day my weight falls back to that Saturday weight (plus or minus 1/2 a pound). So then the next 3 or 4 days my weight does what it wants depending on how I eat. It's bizarre that my weight climbs up that high on Sunday but it's happened these past few weeks. So just a heads up: tracking your weight daily makes patterns visible and takes away some of the emotional glorification we give our scales. Don't let the scale mess with your mind! You ARE MORE THAN A NUMBER or a pattern. Haha. Ok that's what I have so far.

Help me stop eating a lot!!!I need to be less snacky! I'm going to plan on my potential day:
9am: 1 odwalla bar, 1 cup tea
12pm: 1 salad with one HUGE glass of water
3pm: 1 banana, some strawberries, 1 cheese
6pm/9pm: dinner tba

Breakfast and such!

I decided to show you the way my eating has changed these past two months from calories (which I kind of estimate most days) to nutritional eating and holistic eating: i.e. eating that is good for my mind and my body and makes me feel good, fresh, clean , energized and alive! So I'm going to outline my breakfast components and why I chose what I chose...

Today's breakfast:
My fruit/produce bowl contained:
1. lots of blueberries and strawberries: My mom and dad bought this whole box of berries from Costco, and I am IN-LOVE!! I especially love eating berries because it gives me dreams of spring and summer when it's 28 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and they're sweet and plump and juicy and stain your teeth which is sooo much fun!
2. One half of a banana: This shows how far I've come. Last night I wanted dessert but I made a deal with myself that if I ate 1/2 a banana and still wanted something sweet and carby like that, I could. But I acknowledged that I had more need for fruit and my body could better process it than some refined carb, and I give myself the leeway to eat something else should this not have satisfied that. Well I ate 1/2 a banana, put the other half in the fridge and went to sleep. Just like that. There was no stress eating, no self sabotaging or anything like that. And this morning I decided to eat the other 1/2.
3. 1 red bell pepper: This is also another thing I added to make sure my body got the nutrients I needed. I know that I will be working today from 11-4 or maybe 4-8, so I knew that I wanted to make sure I got at least 1 cup of veggies before work, so that I didn't have to stress out that much during the day and my body could utilize those vitamins to generate the energy and health I need to sustain myself throughout the day.
So that's the fruit/veggie bowl: I make sure that I get at least 2 cups of fruits/veggies throughout the day, regardless of what else I eat because I think that eating those fruits/veggies make me feel whole, alive, beautiful, healthy, sustained, satisfied and nourished. Which is the way I DESERVE TO FEEL!!!! Sorry, just thought I should shout that out from the table tops.

Other stuff I ate:
-3 slices of whole wheat sandwich bread (tiny slices, each one around 45 cals) with some Smart Balance butter: Bread and butter is one of my favorite breakfasts and so I definitely make sure I get to have that once a week, probably on saturday since I breakfast in bed that day (most other days it's grabbing a larabar or odwalla bar and eating it in the car). I always do whole wheat now, and actually have grown to dislike the taste of white bread. I like smart balance because it's made with olive oil yet still retains the ooey gooey butter taste :D
-1 cup tea with two teaspons dehydrated milk and 2 teaspoons sugar: I used to take splenda becaues that's what we have in abundance around the house, with my mom being diabetic but I have stopped because a. I'm NOT diabetic and b. sugar satisfies me more than artificial sweetner. Plus my body knows what to do with fructose, and glucose but not necessarily with artificial ingredients; I'm trying to make the digestive process as easy as possible for my body, and as smooth as necessary for my colon. Haha.

In other news: I am REALLY REALLY happy. I love being busy and I thrive on activity. I am sooooo complete when I am in the pediatric ward, looking after sick children and bringing them joy and laughter. Food nourishes my body but this nourishes my soul. I Feel so complete. and so loved. and so needed. It's completely rewarding and stills you in the moment. And time then flies because you are not watching the clock. I will look forward to going back to school, but taking that semester off is probably the best decision I've ever made. I wanted to go back so badly after two weeks at home and actually had a fighting call with my dean who said he saw me last semester, saw the light was gone and didn't want me to come back in that state. I fought him saying I could do it and I would get better. But I'm so glad he made me stay put and find this work to do. Because he gave me the gift of time for growth, healing and LIVING. I like working at the Gap because I get to see how people live and you'd be surprised by how much people open up to complete strangers who are helping them find clothes. Shopping (esp. jeans shopping) is a REALLY emotional experience for many women, so I'm glad I'm there to help them walk through it and feel like their body is beautiful and made perfectly regardless of clothes fitting/not fitting. So that's my update for the day. I'll check in tomorrow perhaps. I'm on a roll :D

Happy but SUPER BUSY

Hey ya'll

Official Weigh in: 162.4lbs!!
Loss: 1lb!!! WOOH WOOH.
That's more than what I've lost the past 3 or 4 weeks, so I'm glad that my body's going down in the increments that I see more drastically. I definitely see this 8lb loss and feel it with my clothes. So I have NO idea what the 20lbs will look like. In tops I'm wearing sizes S and M, and for pants I am now an official size 8. I wonder if I"ll ever fit a size 6, because I pretty much ruled that out for my body. Who knows?! The world is my ocean and my body is my oyster (does that even make sense?!?! Kud SHUT UP NOW! haha)

I'm craaaazy busy! I work at the hospital (commute included) from 8-5, then go to the gap and work from 6-10. THis happened both yesterday, today and will occur Monday. I also work Saturday from 11-4 (and maybe 4-8) and then Sunday 3-7pm. Just on my feet ALL DAY every day! So i'm soo busy that normally I fit in healthy eating, but because my job is sooo active, I normally cannot fit in any formal exercise. I'm ok with that, because i think I'm moving, the way my body was designed to be moving. I also have to be chipper and perky all day, first working with sick kids and then customers. When I come home, I am a miss cranky pants. NOT a good look. haha.

Well I have to get dressed because I have to be out of the house by 7am. I'll try to squeeze in another post and stop by all of your blogs this weekend. HAve a fun friday!!!

Grumpy!

Somehow last night, I went from being happy and ok, to grumpy and insecure. I do not know what caused this, or why suddenly I wanted to binge so badly. And I did. I gave in. But I do not feel too too bad about my binge because it could have been much worse. And often while fighting in these feelings and this intense desire to eat, I end up eating a lot more because I have imposing restrictions on myself that I try to fight afterwards.

I'm here writing in to be accountable. To say, "it's ok, kudret". You'll be fine. You overate last night, but to put it into perspective: that was one meal out of three. One day out of 7. and One week out of the 10-15 weeks you have in the BlB2 challenge. So you'll be fine. And if today, you keep your meals reasonably sized. Drink tons and tons of water. Improve your mood a little bit. Give thanks and try to be nice to everyone around you. Move a little extra today. And perhaps go for a long walk in the evening, it'll be ALL GOOD. And you'll feel good> And your body will thank you as well. So thank your body for digesting everything you put in it, and you now owe it a walk and some good eating and lots of water. It deserves it, and so do you.

Monday Update

Alright, so Aunty Flo has officially LEFT THE BUILDING!!! Gone!! Whoohoo!!! 3 weeks was FAR TOO LONG for her to stay on my couch and I'm glad she finally has left.

With that news, I am proud to say that my new range shall hence be from 162-163lbs. Some how the slow weight loss has sped up just a tiny bit, enough to shake me out of the 164lb rut. This is enough to motivate me and re-energize me to embrace this whole slow weight loss thing

Slow weight loss is awesome because it gives my body a chance to adjust to the weight and instead of forcing my body to shift its equlibrium (which it definitely will resist) I'll do super slow weight loss that my body won't notice too much until it becomes a much bigger loss and does stick. Awesome right? Trick my body into shifiting its equilibrium super super small amounts, until a new equilibrium that is 15 or even 20lbs less, is finally reached. I hope all of you all are doing well in your weight loss journeys. Go A-team!

I'll update on tuesday with stuff about my weekend and how the week is unfolding!!